How is it that I feel like my cup runneth over and my soul is at peace, my life is filled to overflowing and the blessings abound? How do I feel this way when I’ve recently learned that the little life inside me has gone home to be with The Lord after just 9 weeks?
Everyone close to us, friends and family alike, have been devastated by the news. They are heartbroken for our loss. But we, somehow together have felt neither devastation, nor heartbreak. Jason and I are trying to wrap our heads around our joint reaction. It’s certainly not the news either of us wanted to hear and it’s hard to put into words that we’ve simply embraced what the Lord has allowed. We haven’t questioned this event. We know who God is and we know His character. We’re blessed to have a soul in heaven whom we may now look forward to meeting. We’re grateful that this pregnancy was otherwise a healthy and pleasant one. We are looking to Jesus with expectation to where His good plan will take us from here.
We know deeply and truly, without reticence or doubt that our loving Father has given us this cup for His glory, our ultimate good, and He only knows why else. It’s part of our testimony now. His reasons and His ways, we may catch a glimpse of momentarily. Some, we won’t see this side of heaven, but we have complete trust in His goodness, love, and care for us.
We are excited to pour out on the two miracles He has graciously given to our lives already. We are excited for the awesome marriage He daily guides us in, and amazed at how His Spirit is so faithful to unite us in all things. We are excited for the possibilities He has placed in our hearts for the future.
The morning of my doctor’s appointment I had a quick passing thought that we were there and didn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. It was not a fear I had or even a concern, just like a dream. When the doctor couldn’t find the heartbeat a few hours later it felt familiar. When we went in for the ultrasound and I saw no heartbeat and we were told the baby was measuring at 9 weeks when I was supposed to be 12… I felt something difficult to explain. It was as if my God, not some distant, ultra spiritual, too high to be known God, but MY God, who IS all those high and holy things, yet is also deeply familiar, sweetly personal, whose arms I crawl into like a daddy and whose presence makes me feel secure and at peace…that God, my God, spoke to my spirit, assuring me that this was a part of His will. And all that I know about His love, kindness and mercy, has not changed in the slightest.
My thoughts went almost immediately to the burden He has laid upon Jason and I to adopt. Even as the news of our pregnancy had just come to our attention two months ago, we were talking about when God would call us to rescue a life from the hell that can be foster care. With this, our third child in heaven at peace, the Lord seemed to be showing us that our season for adoption would come sooner.
He also gave me simple comforts in the two gifts I call daughter and son. The pleasure I take in them is somehow sweeter now. Every smile, every giggle, their little feet and hands, their clever wit, their sweet helpful natures and kind hearts, their cuddly tendencies, their warmth…it’s all…more precious somehow. I didn’t know that was possible.
The fact that Jason is utterly on the same page with me is nothing short of miraculous. I’m not feeling simple feelings. We’re not going through simple times. His job could be gone in just a few weeks, we just lost a child…and both of us are…hopeful.
It brings me to tears because it is only the presence of the Holy Spirit of the one true God that could bring about such a reaction in the face of such circumstances. There is no credit to us here…we are not unusually strong or extra faithful.
I liken it to a child who trusts his dad. When Dad says, “Jump into my arms, I’ll catch you,” the child just jumps. When Dad says, “I have something special planned for you,” the child waits expectantly for the good thing promised. When Dad says “Don’t be afraid, you’re safe in Daddy’s arms,” the frightened child feels effortless comfort and security.
And when Dad catches, when the special plans come to pass, and the monsters in the closet flea, nobody commends the child for trusting…It is Dad who has proven himself trustworthy.
God says to His children, “Jump into my arms, I’ll catch you.” He calls out with joy, “I know the plans I have for you, plans for peace and you can hope in them.” Our heavenly dad says, “Don’t be afraid, I’m with you always.” And then He proves Himself faithful more times than we notice (just like children).
But, you see we have nothing to boast in of ourselves. What great faith we have? No no, what a great Father we have. We just trust, because He is so absolutely trustworthy.